" I pointed between my legs. "No cock."He frowns again, momentarily - just a flicker of uncertainty, gonebefore anybody else could have noticed. Has he just had a flash ofmemory when I was Ady, not Lizzie?"Detail. Jesus, if I can't have my best mate as my Best Man what thefuck are we fighting for? Anyway, you should have been a bloke." Hereaches to tweak the dress over my chair. "All this shit, it's not you.Stop being a girl." When did you start being a girl, Lizzie? I ask the room when he'sgone. Bloody hell, Box - I'm supposed to be revving up for a big night- the biggest - not worrying about me and him.No time to feel sorry for myself. After Iraq I'd resolved never to dothat. It is what it is. I roll from the bed, strip away my t-shirt andfold it into a drawer. There's a mirror on the back of the locker door,not full length, but enough to show me from the base of my ribcage. Ipush my boobs forwards, scoop my hair and raise it in my hands, like aglamour model - though I'm not. Matt sniffles once.Oh, my God, can he smell me?Or can he smell himself?Do erections have an odor, like aroused pussies have one? Does pre-cum smell of anything?I half-close my eyes and imagine sliding off my chair, onto all fours on the floor. Crawling over to him on my hands and knees, and under his desk. Rubbing my face against the side of his thigh and then burying my nose right at his crotch, trying to find out exactly what Matt’s fragrance is.He would part his legs for me, I am sure.I sometimes imagine a world where this is normal. Women on all fours, serving men – including men like Matt – without being asked, pleasing and pleasuring them without the need or expectation of reward or return of any kind. On ungracious days, when my mind is a darker sort of place, there is coercion and humiliation involved, sometimes punishment and pain, and I almost feel bad for getting off on such an idea. Almost.If only I could touch myself right now, I could absolutely get off on the idea of.
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