So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep. It worked every time.I never bothered to ask their names; it gave me an added thrill not knowing. I would gather my things, abandon my coffee and we would go off to the parking lot and once in my car I would give the lucky young man a quick blowjob just to show him I was serious. If his cock came (pun intended) up to expectations I would invite him back to my house with the promise of giving him much more than my mouth to fuck.It worked every time.I always made sure that they showered and cleaned themselves up before we went any further, after all I have my standards and I knew from experience of being a mother to boys that they could be nasty, grubby things if left unsupervised. No way was I having a dirty boy anywhere near my most precious possessions. I also made it very clear that there was to be no going anywhere near my ass. There's something about anal that has never appealed to me and, as I say, I have my limits, so there.I have a large en-suite bathroom with a wet-room shower.
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