In ’92, I reduced Spats’s orgasms to once a week, and in ’96 once a month. In 2002, I decided that Spats shouldn’t have a regular orgasm to look forward to on the first of the month?it was so tiresome, after all.I mean, he’d wait for me, and then I’d have him beg for the key to the belt, and finally, after pretending I’d lost it (This always reduced Spats to bitter, tearful tantrums) I’d finally give him the key, and he’d unlock his belt and masturbate onto a little dish and then lick it up, and kiss my feet and thank me for this awesome privilege!But then, as I said in ’02, I told Spats that the good news was he would now be eligible for 18 orgasms a year, instead of just one a month?the bad news would be that he would have to earn them, and if he didn’t impress me, he wouldn’t even get ONE for the whole year! There was a lot of jewelry buying, and I’d given Spats his first thirteen orgasms in about ninety days, and then I decided he was wasting his money, and so I made him deposit. I wear a mask of contentment that grows weaker; my smile however happy it may appear is a charade- a fake twitch of the muscles for my audience. I feel angry, I feel unworthy, I feel caged and I feel empty. These emotions make me want to break free — to leave this life in search of another for nothing I or anyone else does makes me feel truly happy and conflict free. To fill the gap I harbour in my soul seems pointless — neither family member nor any person on this earth can change the way I am. Death seems to be my only solution- my only escape and yet fate has not allowed me to leave this place and, I haven't the courage to do so myself. Invisibility would be a gift and yet the only thing I wish for lies within the bounds of impossibility.I want to disappear from the life I live and find another, I want to leave all those I know forever. I know myself better than any other and I know that I lack the capacity for truly endearing emotions. I love pain and danger yet I feel incapable.
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