By Thursday Barb ordered the bike. She called the store in Colorado and asked to speak to Frank. ‘Frank, this is Barbara. I spoke to you a year ago about getting a TREK poster for my boy.’ ‘Right! I remember. Shall I order the bike?’ ‘Yes! He did more that any of us believed he could do.’ ‘What exactly did he need to do to earn the bike, if I can be nosey and ask?’ ‘He needed to play the ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic’ on the piano.’ ‘How long has he been playing?’ ‘He started the day after his birthday last year.’ ‘I took piano when I was a kid. No way he learned piano in a year! I studied for three years and I wasn’t good enough to play that.’ ‘He’s playing it for his grandparents, his Dad and I this Sunday. Bring his bike and have dinner with us.’ ‘I just might do that!’ They finished the business part of the call and an hour later he called back. ‘Can I bring my wife?’ They were coming to hear Josh play. Barb told Brad, but not Josh. She invited the grandparents to drive two hours. I am not just his boss. He wantssomething of all the skills that I have. The truth is that he will neverbe a great chef, but he could be a very good one. But I cannot tell himthat. I just cannot afford to lose him. I can never blurt out the way Ifeel. He would leave in terror.Until he came into my kitchen my life was so normal, but now it is inpieces. There is that sense of joy that love can bring, but how can yoube happy when you face the impossible?Diary Entry 4It is done, and I am still alive - but only just.I had the opportunity to talk to him about the feelings that I had forhim. We went to my herb garden together this morning.Of course, he has not so foolish that he cannot see how I look at him.That is why he started our private chat by confirming that he was notgay. It was a friendly way of saying that he wanted to keep his job andstay on as an under-study provided that I understood that he was notinterested in men.I told him that I had no experience of homosexual.
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