I can remember being jealous of their sheer, frilly nightgowns while I wore those strangling pajamas. We stopped sleeping together as they hit puberty. I also remember being jealous of their soft, firm titties as they started to grow. I wanted breasts, but began to repress the thoughts as I drifted into puberty. But I distinctly recall the terror of my first locker room, of undressing in front of the other hopeful eighth grade football players in the old junior high school. It took me a long time to get “comfortable” in the locker room, and looking back, wonder if that was one of the reasons I tried to be the first person in and the last to leave. Somehow, it didn’t seem right, although I couldn’t put my finger on it or talk to anyone about it. It was the early 1970’s and “gay” still meant being happy, not an alternative lifestyle. I’m pretty sure that I didn’t REALLY know what a homosexual was, though I’m sure that I, like my peers, often called other people fags. I didn’t. " Our life went on like this till our boys were both teenagers, then I felt I wasn't as needed as much.Then it happened, I turned 40 yrs.old. Roger and the boys threw me a big surprise party. On one side of the coin, I was so happy that they thought about me and gave me this big party. Lots of relatives and friends came in from out of town just to help me celebrate the big 4-0! They rented a hall and even had a band coming in to play. Lots of food and drink, it was really special.On the flip side of the coin, I just turned 40! I felt old, when I looked in the mirror I saw an old lady, life more then half over, not as attractive as I once was. Of course anyone ever having attended one of these parties knows the birthday recipient gets tons of gag gifts for the old lady. I was smiling on the outside and crying on the inside.That evening I put on my best face for my family. My husband and sons put on the best party they knew how and were really happy for me. I just wasn't happy for.
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