Reaching up I turned off the desk lamp making my room dark and slipped under the covers savoring my first awake orgasm. Before falling asleep, I remembered hiding the panties under the mattress.Sunlight touched my face as I tried to remember my actions from the night before. I jumped out of bed, showered, brushed my teeth, dressed, and had breakfast. Today was Saturday and I had agreed to meet my friends at the playground. When I arrived back at home, I found my bed made. Shit, I forgot about the panties. I looked under the mattress, and the panty was gone. Shit. My mother knows. She is going to yell at me. My clean clothes placed on my dresser ready to put away. Between my T-shirts, underwear was something pink. Sure enough, Mom had found the panties, washed them and put them with my clean clothes. She never said anything. I never asked.From the first time that stole my cousin panties and used them to masturbate I knew I would do it again. At first, I used the panties to rub against. I don't even think I ate food for a long while. I was more detached from my own body. My awareness was of the oneness of everything, and the first place I felt hunger was when I saw it in the eyes of others.It began a fascination that led me to learn about their appetites, not only for food, but for beautiful things made of gold and silk, for excitement, for status and for sex. In trading my ascetic existence for one driven by human desires, I first became aware of perversity. It was my deliberate decision to turn away from that which was good.Since then, to be perfectly honest, I've been a freeloader. Not like I was at first – a contemplative wanderer who took company with those who offered it, and spoke of simple things. No. I began to take what wasn't mine, and it started to feel as if those appetites were truly my own.To manipulate those desires was easy for me, and I began to feel it necessary over time. In this last century, there was a time when I desperately wanted to leave.
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