He wanted to get into your panties."I'm sure I blushed a little as Mandy laughed."But that's good," Mandy said. "That's what he's supposed to want." That's what you say," I said, but with a smile."Well," Mandy said, an intrigued look in her eyes, "what do you say?How does it feel to be sexually desired as a woman?"I had to think a moment. "Well, it's awkward, for one." Why?" Isn't that obvious?" Let's pretend nothing's obvious. I want your observations." In the first place," I said, after a little thought, "I wasn't evenclose to losing myself in the character. I was still way too aware ofbeing a guy dressed up as a girl, so there was no way I could reallythink like a girl. Hopefully, I can get there, but not yet. So myinitial reaction to Josh was how desperately he was trying toestablish some kind of connection. As a guy, I'm thinking, 'Whoa,slow down, man...' I'd never approach a woman like that."Mandy nodded. "Now, try to think like a woman, and give me yourreaction."I laughed. There was no one to reveal myself to, there was no one into whose eyes to lock my gaze, I looked into emptiness, into a corner of my large room with its sparse furniture, high ceiling, large windows, bare walls onto which the sun drew its patterns, shadows of the huge old trees outside, but I defied the temptation to look at the patterns as they moved, as the wind blew through the leaves and branches, as the sun moved slowly across the sky — I looked into nothingness, as I stayed still, as I looked into her eyes, into her dark eyes, and into her crystal ones. Sometimes, though it scared me, I settled down opposite the big mirror and, for hours, looked into my own eyes. I never sewed my lips or my labia, but, occasionally, to prove to myself that I could, I pierced them with sewing needles. I had my two arms, but I learned to get through whole days pretending they were gone, not using them, keeping them tucked away behind my back, though sometimes I cheated. I had my eyes, real ones,.
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