And in the thin bony box of her head she understands, and accepts, the fact that her immense unhappiness is doomed to irrelevance anyway. Why worry? Why yearn toward a dream that is doomed to be unfulfilled? Because it would ease my regret. The woman can’t even express her inner turmoil to others, apart from holding onto a loud, scratchy moan. She does this, on occasion, to no effect. She feels a part of her wanting to go back to the things she used to like- the feel of a new toothbrush against her gums, for instance. Such a little thing that the nurses here overlook so often. She would like to polish a jar of canned tomatoes and set it on the top shelf with its mates. Lick an envelope, stick a stamp neatly in the corner, drop it in the mailbox. She’d like to clean her body out with a hoot of honest laughter. She’d like to sit on the toilet by herself. She can fantasize about her independence all that she wants. She can pray all that she wants I never was a praying woman and in the. She could tell her to leave again, but Anna wouldn’t do it. She could…could… Desperately, she cast around for any idea she could latch on to, knowing that each effort drained away a little more of her precious energy, but she already felt too sleepy to think. ‘Doesn’t that sound good to you, Betsy?’ Anna said firmly, pushing her back into the couch cushions with her left hand. Betsy’s breath went out in a whoosh as her mind simply sputtered and died. ‘…yes,’ she said vacantly. Just saying it felt amazing, like someone was pressing a hand to the crotch of her slacks and rubbing firmly. She almost wondered where Anna’s other hand was, but wondering was too much like thinking and thinking was too much like deciding and she was too tired to decide anything right now. Anna could do that. She’d rather simply agree with what Anna said. ‘And doesn’t that feel good to you, Betsy, sitting there and letting someone else tell you what to do?’ ‘…yes…’ The rubbing felt even better, now, and Betsy.
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