It makes deep conflict in her. I hear again her voice, the words she says, I see in my mind her movements and how she holds herself, and I am sure.Again I rise in night, and go to other room, living room. There I go over again and again in my mind. Yes, I am sure, I know this to be so; I should have known this then, I should have said.I berate myself for this when Linda comes again as she did before when I could not sleep.“You OK, darling?” she asks in sleepy voice.“Yes, I’m fine,” I tell her. “I finally know about the woman today, it takes me very long and I am sorry but now I know. Go back to bed, tomorrow is soon enough.”But she is suddenly awake, I see. “Oh, no, don’t tease me, say,” she commands, her voice fully alert. She goes to sit down beside me on the couch.“She tells the truth, she does not know what they do is illegal,” I say. “The confusion is because she doesn’t want to say that. She is very fearful for her man, her husband, and she thinks it may go worse for him if she. Something I’m also sure, he’d never thought would really happen, even in his wildest of dreams. He, no doubt, figured that if his mom would do something like that, then what else might she be willing to do?He’d been standing in the kitchen just a short while ago, knowing full well what I was doing to his friend behind that bathroom door just as I had sat in that very kitchen knowing what Jerome had been doing in the bathroom when I left him there to jerk off. And like me, it had had a profound effect on him.“Look Mom,” Brian began, “if dad ever found out you did this, he’d probably kill Jerome, wouldn’t he?”“No doubt.” I told him, pretty sure I was right.“So ... if he knew that I, you know, did it to you, he’d kill me too, right?”“And me as well.” I agreed, “What’s your point Brian?”“Well, if you let me ... do it, (his words staggered me) then there’s no way I could tell anyone without getting everyone killed. I mean, if one bee gets out ... they all get out. Everybody loses,.
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