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What was left was mostly emptiness and the hurt, of course. "Don't worry, Antigua; I won't disturb your party. I'm leaving and I won't be back to bother you again." I turned to leave but she reached out and put her hand on my arm to stop me. I turned back to see what she wanted."I was afraid," she said. "I know how dangerous you are, how dangerous your friends are." I was about to interrupt to tell her she didn't need to worry. I don't beat up children or women, even bug-nut crazy ones, but she continued before I could. "But that isn't what scared me. You can be violent and deadly when you need to be, Daniel, but you're one of the most in-control people I've ever met. I wasn't afraid of you doing something, I was afraid I'd lose you." What?" I wasn't expecting that."I've been doing this crazy shit for six years, Daniel. I've been the star or the rising star since I was fifteen. It's not the kind of business where you make friends. Oh sure, there are a lot of people I know, but no. Had we been lovers, it would not have been quite so good I thought.I got in my car and drove home. Sitting at a stoplight what I had just done with Bill hit me like a ton of bricks. I had just cheated on my husband. The one man I truly loved in the entire world. I knew that if John found out the pain it would cause him would be too much to bear. I sat there through two or maybe even more green lights, crying.My guilt didn't go away the next day either. I struggled with telling John that morning. Then I decided to wait until that evening. By that evening, I had chickened out telling him at all. I had nightmares for several nights after that. I felt so sad and so low. How could I have let myself go like that? How would I ever be able to face Bill again? How could I sit there at home, and talk to John like nothing had happened?For the next few weeks I was quiet around work, and never let myself be alone with Bill or any other man for that matter. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust.
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