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I just thought of Jack because he thinks of you as a nice guy and I know it would be a safe way for you to explore. He’s not a violent person at all, despite the way he talks sometimes, and I know he’s very tolerant. I am not trying to rush you. Take your time. Waiting until you are ready is totally cool. It’s your feelings about it that count.”He continued talking to me and i was beginning to understand his point. He was right of course, i was young and eventually i would be with someone else. i told him how nervous i would be when that time came and he said anyone would be. i told him that i felt stupid because i didn’t know how i’d go about making it happen even if i wanted to. i said what scared me the most though was what reaction would get if i did try something. He said “I can understand how you feel. Everyone wonders that at some point. If and when it fells right, you will probably feel it and you will just have to take a chance and go for it and try not to think so much. My legs were trembling and so were my hands when I entered the club and security stopped me, they made me check my knives(a habit acquired in my youth being one of the only fairer skinned c***dren in the area) and then checked my coat. All the while the bouncer kept asking me ‘are you a.b, are you a.b , don’t make trouble or Im gonna fuck you up’, I answered in the negative that I was not a.b (Aryan b*****rhood, Astoria/L.I.C was a large skinhead enclave in my youth) and that I would indeed not make any trouble. So he opened a set of large doors that led into a darker but larger room with loud music playing and a strange yet attractive odor.So as walked in my nervousness had gotten worse and my mouth had become bone dry and my trembling had intensified. I walked toward the bar were the largest congregation of people were and where in the middle woman danced topless. As I sat down I ordered a nine dollar Budweiser and drank it down to calm my nerves as I looked about the room all the.
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