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Icouldn't even get my mind around half of what she had just said."Maybe I should just go," I said quietly."No, Jenny, please don't leave. I know how you feel about Sarah and Iknow you don't want to hear anything bad about her. But I swear, Jenny,open your eyes. If she loved you half as much as you love her, shewouldn't treat you this way."I burst into tears. "Oh Vicki, I just don't know. You're right, I knowyou are. I know that for every kind and accepting thing Sarah does forme, she always seems to do something that tears me apart inside. But Istill love her. And need her. But the weirdest part is that I know sheloves me too. I mean, I KNOW it! But for some reason she seems driven todo things that make me crazy, that make me feel bad, that leave mefeeling so humiliated. Oh, I just don't know!" Jenny, you listen to me," Vicki commanded, "you better start payingmore attention and figure out what this relationship is doing to you.You need to figure out what is happening and why. Now,. Nonetheless this unknown part of her,arguably the most important part of her, seemed, in retrospect, as if itmust have been working invisibly behind-the scenes to bring her to whereshe was today. It didn't just happen all by chance; it seemed, instead,more an act of fate.Even the act of putting the ad on the computer which led to that first guycoming to her apartment for sex, Ben, his name was, even doing somethingas defined as that, had happened in a kind of sleepwalk. Her actionsseemed to be directed by some remote intelligence that knew what sheneeded better than she did herself. She could never have consciously donesomething as potentially dangerous as that herself.What an odd way to live a life, Marcia thought. She wondered if otherpeople didn't also live at least some part of their lives in a similarfashion, with or without realizing it. Perhaps the difference was that, inretrospect, they took more credit (or blame)--rightly or wrongly--fortheir actions, reluctant to admit just.
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