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He paused and asked, “Do you want to pick a place for her grave? We can bury her and Mikey’s mom side by side so they won’t be alone.”“I think I’d like them to be together,” Matilda told him, “but I think maybe we should take her to Mikey’s house and have a big funeral pyre. Will you take me to see her?”The newly formed family walked back to the grocery. When they approached the body, Matilda broke into tears and clung to Mishka and the others in turn. After a while, Mishka asked Matilda, “What was her favorite color?”Upon learning her color was red, Mishka returned to Luke’s and found a large, red blanket. He appropriated a pair of heavy-duty gloves and returned to his waiting family. Donning the gloves, he wrapped the body in the blanket and carried her to Mikey’s house. He laid her beside her friend on the master bedroom’s bed.“Let’s make a final check of the house, and tomorrow, if the wind is not too high, we’ll set the fire. There’s enough empty space around that I don’t think. .....immersed in girlie thoughts and girlie emotions.But all the while, there is this fear in the background - a fear of being caught in her stockings and underwear. So whilst you indulge yourself in girlie ecstasy and effeminacy, there is this common discomforting interface with the real world as you repeatedly peek through the blinds, or from behind the curtains lest she arrive home earlier than expected. The guilt builds up and conflates with an intense shame.“Boys and men don’t dress up in stockings and women’s underwear and masturbate.” “Why does feeling all girlie and effeminate feel so good?”“I must be some kind of depraved pervert, a queer, a fag”. “What would she say, and do, if she caught you?”You start to develop dark imagery of being caught, exposed and humiliated. They fill you with intense fear but, through constant association with the sensual and emotional girlie pleasures you’re immersed in, and the erotic ecstasy of pleasuring yourself and slowly bring yourself to.
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