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’ I just look out over the city. I’m boiling up. ‘So you keep your promises,’ I say. He nods. But I stand and pull on my boots. ‘And what about promises made to me?’ I ask. ‘What?’ I shrug into my cotton shirt and clip on my belt. ‘That night – that night at the safehouse. You…’ ‘I never promised you anything.’ ‘That kiss was a promise,’ I tell him with narrowed eyes. ‘Of what?’ I jump from the roof access and land on the roof, opening the door to the stairs. ‘Of something more than this,’ I call up as I slam the door behind me. I’m welling up as I descend to Fourteen, but I can hear the door open and slam behind me. For a moment, I’m sure I’m too far ahead for him to catch me, but he lands easily on the landing in front of me from somewhere above. His hand is raised to stop me, and he catches his breath before saying. ‘Explain,’ he says. ‘Explain what?’ ‘What you’re feeling.’ ‘Feelings? Feelings?’ I nod. ‘That’s what I want. I want some feelings. I want something to come. Absolutely no pleasure and not even a feeling of release that time. The electrical current caused my muscles to contract violently and I felt like I was in the grasp of some awful monster and my semen was being squeezed from me. I looked in the mirror over my head and there wasn't one monster but two, smiling at me and whispering to each other.I couldn't understand why they were doing this to me. I wanted what they said was their ultimate goal for me. I wanted to be controlled and to be transformed into a woman. I wanted the surgery that would make me as anatomically female as possible. They didn't have to brainwash or torture me into desiring that I lose my maleness, my manhood.I tried to analyze their motivation for what they were doing to me but I couldn't make any sense of it. After the initial generalized description of their plans for me nothing was explained. This was only the beginning of many months of confusion and bewilderment. I would be stimulated in some form so much of.
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