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Allen stayed the night, at my invitation. The next morning I madebreakfast for us, playing the part of the domestic housewife to the hilt.It was entertaining in a weird kind of way, and made me wonder if I wouldmake a good actor.Allen left before noon, and I spent the rest of the day in the house,reluctant to go out. I'm sure it would be interesting to see how theworld would react to me as a female, but I did not want to overdo it andrisk damaging Lisa's body.That reminded me -- I would have to apologize to Lisa for the brokenfingernail. I should offer to make it up to her by taking her out todinner. We could get to know each other better, and begin to develop therelationship I desired. I felt very clever to think of using theaccidentally broken fingernail as my opening gambit. Much better than"What's your sign."I took a shower, dried my hair, and looked into Lisa's little overnightbag. She had provided panties, bra, shorts, T-shirt, socks, andsneakers. I appreciated that she. Not for a while.As she readied herself for the party, she also thought about moving back to West Hartford, not with her family, as she couldn’t stay there anyway, but near her old college. She was happiest there too, and trying to relocate to happiness had a futile ring to it, but she no longer cared for misery either. A woman can’t simply be happy. A woman can’t search for it either. For her happiness either just came or didn’t no matter where she went. Such was the female poet’s dilemma. While she pushed herself to greater heights, there was always something weighing her down, dragging her below the earth no matter how hard she tried. It seemed to her like an odd paradox—the more intense the search, the farther happiness moved away. It had been this way ever since the incident in front of her home. It took suffering to realize these paradoxes, as though the incident, still fresh in her memory, balanced out what would normally be a graceful, fulfilling life lived with her poetry..
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