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God how I wish they could walk for one day knowing what I know, feeling what I feel, feeling that life within me as it lives and moves and grows. I stare back to unsettle them, unblinking, unforgiving. They look away but the whispering continues. I have no one to whisper to. I have lost again and look away with eyes full of remorse and hurt and that glint of fear. Fear of the pain? No…more accurately described as fear of failure. What kind of mother will I be? Hands explore a surface so hard and round and promising, feeling that pulse of life within, wishing I could look like this forever and have someone to whisper to. And then the pain came, and I wonder why I was not in fear of it. Pain like a river, a waterfall, an earthquake…pain like a volcanic eruption that makes me scream and scream and scream. So much pain to deliver a life so small. Giving birth was perhaps the most painful and colorful moment of my life, the ripping of a soul that I’m not even sure exists. It tore from me. "That was a first time. I mean, we slept together, uh,you know, made love and then when we got up, Mindy thought it would becute to see what I looked like in a bikini. Claire's old stuff fit me." How about your hair? It seems a lot longer since the last time I sawyou. It's all cut and styled, too. Who did that?" Mindy's friend Tiffany is taking beautician's classes. For practiceshe's been trimming my hair. I guess it's gotten a little long. Ihaven't paid much attention because it's summer."Dr. Galloway sighed. "I don't know, Brian. Your mother was pretty upsetwhen she called me. She thinks that the treatments have caused you toloose your bearings. She believes you have a gender identity problem.She mentioned earrings, make-up, hair styles, and well, she's frightenedfor you."Brian nodded. "I can see where she'd think all that. She's awfullyprotective of me and has some trouble acknowledging that I'm sixteen, nottwelve. She worries a lot."Dr. Galloway stood up.Brian.
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